There’s no point having conversations when nothing anyone can say will make it better
So rather than talking I am taking Valium
The world makes sense again
5mg in case you are curious
And I squealed with delight
This is not good
Nine blister packs
With ten pills each pack
It’s a miracle
Or a curse
Dunno yet
Maybe I’m just nuts but I never felt fat or ugly when I woke up on the kitchen floor
So I’m listening to Counting Crows and reading Anne Sexton poems and a poem comes up that reminds me of someone and it’s midnight and then they call me, interrupting my sulking and music and reading and I have no fucking idea what I would say to them despite knowing what they’re going to say to me so I don’t answer and it’s midnight so they will assume I’m asleep hopefully
*head-desk*
No srsly you guys
cos I can follow blogs that post content that are actually like, conducive to my mental health and have lots of learnings and things
and I noticed recently just how big a thing it was for me that I don’t watch TV or read magazines or generally subject myself to media that makes me feel like stabbing myself with sharp objects
then lately I find myself in situations where other people are viewing such media and suddenly i’m fourteen years old again throwing up spaghetti in the shower (well not literally but figuratively) and tapping my knees together to measure if i’ve lost weight from my inner thighs recently
so here I was all Oh I don’t have an eating disorder I’m a Grown-Up now and those feelings are all still there, it’s just i’ve been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who don’t buy into fascist beauty standards. And then when I’m not I have no defence against it and I get really fucking depressed. And then I miss my drugs but since I don’t take drugs anymore - highly fucking overrated by the way, this sobriety shit - I feel sorry for myself and sleep a lot.
/the end